COVER ARTIST: Roseline Deleu
TITLE: Reiki Blue
MEDIUM: Graphic Design
CONTACT: www.fengshuisteps.com
FEATURE ARTICLE
Fathers and Sons
The critical father/son relationship
In my years of working with men and boys I have come to see just how critical is the relationship that a boy and young man has with his father. Harvard psychologist William Pollack’s research shows that one of the best things a boy can get is ‘an extra dose of Dad’. Pollack concluded that the more shared activities a boy had with his father, the more education he completed and the lower was the incidence of social delinquency.
Steve Biddulph (author of Manhood and Raising Boys) suggests that a young man needs mutual love and respect with his father before he can truly become his own man.
Fathering boys is different from fathering young men
A friend of mine recently told me that his five-year-old boy came up, looked at him and asked this question, “Daddy, is there anybody in the world who is stronger than you?”
When your boy is young it’s about doing things together, spending time, creating healthy boundaries and teaching him everything you can. When your son is a boy:
• You tell him what to do because you know best.
• You make the rules and you are the boss.
• You discipline him when he misbehaves and you decide how that should be.
• You only tell him selected parts of your life story because he is too young to hear certain things that have happened to you.
My, how things change
It’s the changes that have to happen in the relationship between a father and son as a boy becomes a young man that I really want to address here. Your son will:
1) No longer automatically accept everything you say as being true, he may even disagree with everything you say just because you say it.
2) No longer see you as his hero, he may actually start competing with you for the position of dominant male in the household and even see you as a big idiot.
3) Not want you to tell him what he can and can’t do. He wants to decide for himself.
4) Be forming his own version of how life should be and will definitely not want you to lecture him or tell him how to live his life.
What do fathers need to do?
I have given talks all over Australia and internationally to parents on ‘Raising Teenage Boys’. I always ask the dads in the audience what sort of relationship they want to have with their sons when they are adults, say around 30 years of age. What I hear is the same all around the country and indeed the world. We want to be mates. To enjoy doing things together and we want our sons to want to spend time with us.
I will say this straight up, IF YOU AS A FATHER TRY TO KEEP PARENTING A YOUNG MAN IN THE SAME WAY THAT YOU DID WHEN HE WAS A BOY, HE WILL SHUT DOWN, REBEL AND DO EVERYTHING HE CAN TO BREAK AWAY FROM YOU AND HE MAY NEVER COME BACK.
There are three important things to do that will allow you to create a long-term, loving and supportive relationship with your son:
1. Bring him into your world and the world of men.
2. Honour and recognise his gifts and talents.
3. Create a shift in the balance of power.
Bring him into your world and the world of men
Share your stories
One of the best and most effective ways to bring him into your world is to share your life stories with your son. I am talking about the real stories though, warts and all. When he was young you only told him certain things and this was totally appropriate.
Telling stories to your son is not about making you appear to be a hero; it is about giving him the opportunity to truly know who you are and to learn what is to be a man.
Take him along when you spend time with your male friends
I can’t recommend highly enough including your son/young man in activities you do with your male friends. Something special happens when a father brings his son into his circle of friends. First of all the other men will love seeing your son. You can literally see older men instantly drop in age at least 10 years as soon as a young man is in the room.
Boys need to hear about the realities of being a man, the details that don’t exist on TV shows or in music videos.
Honour and recognise his gifts and talents
Your son needs to know that you love him for who he actually is as opposed to feeling that he will get your love when he does what you want or become who you think he should become.
Enter your son’s world
In the same way as you need to bring your son into your world, you need to enter your son’s world and spend time doing the things that really matter to him, things that he is interested in and passionate about. These may not be your favourite activities but your son needs to know that you are interested in him as a person.
Spend one-on-one time together with no interruptions
Making time to spend with him one-on-one with no interruptions, e.g. mobile phone turned off, on a regular basis, is a great way to build your relationship with your son. It makes him realise that he is important enough to get your undivided attention, which is something that young men crave from their fathers.
A natural shift in the balance of power
Now it is time for Dad to let go of being the all powerful authority over his son. The new relationship has to develop into one of respect for each other as individuals who both have their own opinions, ideas and ways of being in the world.
Dr Rubinstein will be visiting the Far North region to speak on ‘Parenting Gen Y, The Internet and Rites of Passage in the 21st Century’. He will be in Cairns at St. Mary’s College on Oct 16, St Stephens College, Mareeba on Oct 17, and Good Council College, Innisfail on Oct 18. Please phone Angie Quinn for details on 0404058324. Dr. Arne Rubinstein has been working with children and teenagers since he graduated from the International Institute for Youth Leaders in Jerusalem, in 1982. He was a General Practitioner for 15 years specialising in Adolescent Health and Emergency Medicine. He was the founding CEO of the Pathways Foundation Ltd and the programs he developed have won multiple awards and run in 5 Australian states as well as England and Israel. Dr Rubinstein delivers programs and seminars nationally and internationally. He is recognised as an expert in the field of Rites of Passage and working with children and teenagers.
REGULAR FEATURE
Feng Shui – Heal and Love with some Feng Shui Inspiration
We sat down and started talking. Julia had booked me for her Feng Shui consultation and even though her life was flowing smoothly compared to some previous times, she always seemed to attract the ‘wrong’ men into her life. Her décor was very feminine and a few objects and furniture placements were obvious hints to my Feng Shui expert ‘eye’.
We started with what I call the ‘Feng Shui of the Mind’ – by this, I mean looking into the repetitive patterns to understand what’s happening. Together we gently analysed her previous experiences. As the conversation was evolving, we divided a sheet of paper into two columns and wrote the qualities and values that she appreciated in the men of her previous relationships; we focused on what she liked! It is an important process to be in gratitude and appreciation of the previous people that have come into your life, to focus on the good parts instead of criticising and destroying. We then continued to fill the list with values and qualities she wished to find in her new partner. In the next column we wrote her personal qualities and values; this balanced the whole process of a good and effective ‘wish list’.
The Healing and Love manifestation process has one more essential step to go through before we go further: forgiveness! A major key: forgiveness… which can be challenging at times. Forgive the other and definitely forgive yourself! I suggest a mantra inspired by a Hawaiian philosophy that all can repeat, as summed up here: sit comfortably, close your eyes and visualise a person or a situation that challenged you. Say aloud:
“Sorry if I hurt you, please forgive me. I love you.
I love, I respect and I forgive myself. Thank you.”
Repeat the process as many times as you feel it is necessary, to as many situations and as many people you want. You will soon feel the burden lifting. You feel better. You are free to move forward.
Then, after the mantra was repeated several times, we started shifting Chi around her place: moving furniture and changing the placement of what she was scanning daily. We set intents and missions in her decorative objects – that is another major key to Feng Shui success.
Photo 1 – First impression BEFORE – TV, single chair are the focus when you enter.
Photo 2 – Feng Shui changes – AFTER – welcoming seat, feature wall with valuable items in view.
The television and a single chair used to be the first objects you saw as you entered. The subliminal idea she was giving was, ‘Leave me alone, I am single, I watch TV’. That focal point needed to change; the message had to be different! We pushed the largest lounge to that side of the room to welcome visitors; the room was now saying, ‘I see you; I welcome you’. We rearranged the décor, and the purple feature wall that was initially hidden behind a too-high cupboard was now looking wonderful. We chose Yin lighting and placed smaller valuable antiques in front of it. The first impression as you entered was now totally different! (Illustrated in photos 1 and 2)
Her Feng Shui consultation took over six hours as we went in depth with the changes and setting the intents. One I would like to share with you today: in this very feminine interior, together with my client, we presented her pink tea-set on the top of a tasteful antique piece of furniture (curved top). As we were arranging them, we set the intent of welcoming a caring and loving relationship. To balance the very feminine decor, we added the vase as a phallic (masculine) symbol in this arrangement.
A too feminine décor could keep men away or frighten them. Remember to bring more ‘male’ energy into your place when you are ready to heal and love.
I am available for Feng Shui consultations Australia-wide and I am looking to training New Feng Shui Practitioners who wish to consult in Cairns and Tropical North QLD. Please, contact me.
Roseline Deleu – 0412 717 454. International Feng Shui Master, Author and happy human Being. Visit www.fengshuisteps.com