Artist: Susanna Isabella
Title: Buddha of Awakening
Medium: Acrylics
Contact: http://www.natalis.com.au/
FEATURE ARTICLE
Empathy – How important is it in a relationship?
‘Empathy is the ability to see the world as another person, to share and understand another person’s feelings, needs, concerns and/or emotional state.’
Showing empathy in a genuine way is one of the most important interpersonal skills that anyone must master. It doesn’t matter whether the relationship is a loving one, family, professional or whatever. People are people and they need to share and connect to achieve a greater understanding between each other. We all have to work at our various relationships to ensure we get the most out of the experience, whilst taking into account the other person’s feelings, wishes and needs. When we successfully empathise with another person, we are able to see things from their point of view.
When a person lacks empathy, their behaviour is not always what we might expect. They might seem to be thoughtless, arrogant or unsympathetic. In extreme cases this can lead to cruelty and distress. But remember, sometimes people say or do the wrong thing unintentionally. For example, when we become angry, our ability to empathise becomes compromised. It becomes difficult to see things clearly. To be able to have empathy, we must be in touch with our own feelings first.
Some tips to achieve greater empathy are:
Listen attentively to what the other person is saying. This will allow you to absorb what they say and be able to respond appropriately. Eliminate distractions: put down the book you’re reading; turn off the TV, etc. Focus all your attention on what the other person says. Pay attention not only to the words spoken, but also to the way these words are communicated (tone, inflection, mannerism, etc).
Let your body language convey empathy. Maintain close (but not too close) proximity. Establish comfortable eye contact. Maintain good body posture. Don’t fidget or do other things that show disinterest, but rather direct 100% of your attention toward the other person.
Reflect upon what the other person just said. Reflecting upon what the other person said helps to show that you are understanding and interpreting what is said, gives the other person a chance to elaborate further on the feelings being experienced, and demonstrates your concern for the other person.
Validate the other’s emotions: immediately agree with what the other person just said. Validating, or justifying, the other person’s emotions helps to convey your acceptance and respect for the feelings the other person is experiencing. For example, “I can understand why you would be upset under these circumstances,” or, “anyone would find this difficult,” or “anyone would have felt the same way,” or “your reactions are totally normal.”
Offer personal support. Offering personal support goes beyond words to enhance rapport, by letting the other person know that you want to help. E.g. “I want to help in any way I can; please let me know what I can do to help.”
Engage the other person in a partnership. A sense of partnership helps the other person to feel that he/she can be part of the solution, and that you are willing to be there to help. E.g. “Let us work this out together.” “After we talk a little more, perhaps we can work out some solutions that may help.”
Show respect whenever possible. Showing respect by focusing on the positive aspects of a situation further enhances rapport and fosters effective coping skills. For example, “Despite your feeling so bad, you are still coping very well.”
Someone with an empathic nature is usually patient, kind and understanding. They accept that we all have flaws, but that we deserve to be recognised, and even loved, in spite of them. Always remember the phrase, ‘Don’t judge a man till you have walked in his shoes’, before making a judgment on another.
Finally, there is an important distinction between empathy and sympathy. We offer our sympathy when we imagine how a situation or event was difficult or traumatic for another person. We may use phrases like, “I am very sorry to hear that,” or, “If there is anything I can do to help…” We feel pity or are sorry for the other person. There is nothing wrong with sympathy, and it can help to offer closure. To empathise is to feel how others feel, to see the world as they do.
“I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit – the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes; to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us: the child who’s hungry; the steelworker who’s been laid off; the family who lost the entire life they built together when the storm came to town. When you think like this, when you choose to broaden your ambit of concern and empathise with the plight of others, whether they are close friends or distant strangers, it becomes harder not to act, harder not to help.”
Barack Obama, 2006.
Mike Friganiotis, Relationships Australia, FNQ
REGULAR FEATURE
Siddha Story – God will Provide
Once there was a man who had many children but no work. Sometimes he was able to hire himself out, but one day he would earn and ten days he would go hungry. At last he said, “Let me go out of the village; maybe I can find something to do in the countryside.” Off he went, but he was still hunting for work when night began to fall.
Where should a penniless man like him sleep in the night? He saw a cave and thought it would make a good shelter. As he climbed up to the cave’s mouth, he saw a blind owl perched on a stone with its beak hanging open. Gnats and moths and insects would fly into its mouth until it was full, and then the bird would close its beak and swallow. For a long time the man sat watching this in amazement. At last he said, “Will the Almighty and the All-Knowing, Who provides for the blind owl in her cave, not make provision for a son of Adam?”
He returned to his house, climbed onto the sleeping platform, lay down on his mattress, and refused to move. The next day he would not go to work. Instead he stretched himself out and said, “The Lord will provide.”
After the man had gone back to sleep on his bed, there was a knock at the door. When his wife opened it, two rough-looking men on the step asked, “Have you a donkey for hire?” The man’s wife said that she did but enquired what they wanted to load him with. They had some vegetables to take to the market, they told her. So she gave them the donkey and they saddled it, bridled it, and led it off.
They took the donkey to a third man, their partner, who was guarding a treasure all three had discovered. Now they began to divide it so that each could take one-third of it home. Filling the donkey’s saddlebags with gold, they covered the coins with turnips and radishes. Soon all that remained was the golden crock in which the treasure had been stored. Who should have it? The three men began to fight, first beating each other and then pulling out their knives and stabbing until all three fell down dead on top of the golden crock.
The donkey, seeing that he was free, trotted home. When he reached the gate of the house yard, he began to knock his head against it. The man’s wife opened both panels of the gate to let in the animal with the bulging saddlebags. She shouted to her husband, still dozing on the bed, “Come and see what Allah has provided! Enough turnips to feed the children for a week!” The man came down happily, saying, “Let us look at the gift from Him Who provides for the blind owl.” And they began to unload the vegetables when – O Lord! – they uncovered the gold.
They spilt all the gold coin onto their bed. Taking a handful, the man ran out and bought meat and fat and sugar and tea, and they all went to bed sated, happy and content.
The Universal Storyteller